You know you drink too much coffee when

You know you drink too much coffee when… * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. * You ski uphill. * You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. * Youspeed walk in your sleep. * You have a bumper sticker thatsays: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.” * You answerthe door before people knock. * You haven’t blinked sincethe last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweaterand you don’t know how to knit. * You grind your coffeebeans in your mouth. * You sleep with your eyes open. * Youhave to watch videos in fast-forward. * The only time you’restanding still is during an earthquake. * You can take apicture of yourself from ten feet away without using thetimer. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You spend everyvacation visiting “Maxwell House.” * You’re the employee ofthe month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even workthere. * You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoesthis week. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * Youchew on other people’s fingernails. * The nurse needs ascientific calculator to take your pulse. * You’re sojittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. * You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. * Youcan jump-start your car without cables. * Cocaine is adowner. * All your kids are named “Joe.” * You don’t need ahammer to pound in nails. * Your only source of nutritioncomes from “Sweet & Low.” * You don’t sweat, you percolate. * You buy milk by the barrel. * You’ve worn out the handleon your favorite mug. * You go to AA meetings just for thefree coffee. * You walk twenty miles on your treadmillbefore you realize it’s not plugged in. * You forget tounwrap candy bars before eating them. * You’ve built aminiature city out of little plastic stirrers. * People getdizzy just watching you. * When you find a penny, you say,”Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have acup.” * You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table. * TheTaster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you. * Starbucks ownsthe mortgage on your house. * Your taste buds are so numbyou could drink your lava lamp. * You’re so wired, you pickup FM radio. * People can test their batteries in your ears. * Your life’s goal IS to “amount to a hill of beans.” *Instant coffee takes too long. * You channel surf fasterwithout a remote. * When someone says. “How are you?”, yousay, “Good to the last drop.” * You want to be cremated justso you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. * Youwant to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. * Yourbirthday is a national holiday in Brazil. * You’d be willingto spend time in a Turkish prison. * You go to sleep just soyou can wake up and smell the coffee. * You’re offended whenpeople use the word “brew” to mean beer. * You name yourcats “Cream” and “Sugar.” * You get drunk just so you cansober up. * You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking alesson. * Your Thermos is on wheels. * Your lips arepermanently stuck in the sipping position. * You have apicture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You canoutlast the Energizer bunny. * You short out motiondetectors. * You have a conniption over spilled milk. * Youdon’t even wait for the water to boil anymore. * Yournervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. * You thinkbeing called a “drip” is a compliment. * You don’t tan, youroast. * You don’t get mad, you get steamed. * Your threefavorite things in life are…coffee before and coffee after. * Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glassof iced coffee to get you in the mood. * You can’t evenremember your second cup. * You help your dog chase itstail. * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. * Yourcoffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. * You introduceyour spouse as your “Coffeemate.” * You think CPR stands for”Coffee Provides Resuscitation.” * Your first-aid kitcontains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

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