There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who
lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and
rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only
someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with
a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as ‘mother,’ although
she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought
less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact
exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of non-traditional
households, although she was sorry if this was the impression
conveyed. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically
grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house. ‘But
mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionised people
who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages
between various people in the woods?’ Red Riding Hood’s mother
assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special
compassionate mission exemption form. ‘But mother, aren’t you
oppressing me by ordering me to do this?’ Red Riding Hood’s mother
pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other,
since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
‘But mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket,
since he’s an oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be
oppressed?’ And Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her brother
was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides,
this wasn’t stereotypical women’s work, but an empowering deed
that would help engender a feeling of community. ‘But won’t I
be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable
to independently further her own selfhood?’ But Red Riding Hood’s
mother explained that her grandmother wasn’tactually sick or incapacitated
or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply
that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people
called ‘health.’ Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get
behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and
so she set off. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding
and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an
irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal
society that regarded the naturalworld as an exploitable resource,
and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable
competitors.Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves
and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless
society all marginalized peoples would be able to ‘come out’ of
the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models. On her
way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper,
and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She
was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked
her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned
her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking
control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with
the Wolf. She replied, ‘I am taking my grandmother some healthful
snacks in a gesture of solidarity.’The Wolf said, ‘You know, my
dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods
alone.’ Red Riding Hood said, ‘I find your sexist remark offensive
in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional
status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused
you to develop an alternative yet entirely valid world view. Now,
if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.’ Red Riding
Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded toward her Grandmother’s
house. But because his status outside society had freed him from
slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew
of a quicker route to Grandma’s house. He burst into the house
and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature
as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender
role notions, he put on Grandma’s night-clothes, crawled under
the bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered
the cottage and said, ‘Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty-free
snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.’
The Wolf said softly ‘Come closer, child, so that I might see
you.’ Red Riding Hood said, ‘Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes
you have!’ ‘You forget that I am optically challenged.’ ‘And Grandma,
what an enormous–er–what a fine nose you have.’ ‘Naturally,
I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn’t
give in to such societal pressures, my child.’ ‘And Grandma, what
very big, sharp teeth you have!’ The Wolf could not take any more
of these speciesist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for
his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red
Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her
poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.’Aren’t you forgetting
something?’ Re evement scores on college entrance exams.’ ‘Last
chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This
is an FBI sting!’ screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red
Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her
head. ‘Thank goodness you got here in time,’ said the Wolf. ‘The
brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.’
‘No, I think I’m the real victim, here,’ said the woodchopper.
‘I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking
those protected flowers earlier. And now I’m going to have such
a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?”Sure,’ said the Wolf. ‘Thanks.

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