The new Men’s Thesaurus
‘I’M GOING FISHING’
Means: ‘I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.’
IT’S A GUY THING’
Means: ‘There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical’.
‘CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?’
Means: ‘Why isn’t it already on the table?’
‘UH HUH,’ ‘SURE, LUV,’ OR ‘YES, DEAR…’
Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
‘IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN’
Means: ‘I have no idea how it works.’
‘I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.’
Means: ‘I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.’
‘TAKE A BREAK LUV, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD’.
Means: ‘I can’t hear the football over the vacuum cleaner.’
‘THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.’
Means: ‘Good grief, are you still talking?’
‘YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.’
Means: ‘I remember my team’s last away win, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.’
‘I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES’.
Means: ‘The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.’
‘OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.’
Means: ‘I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.’
‘HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING’.
Means: ‘And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.’
‘I CAN’T FIND IT.’
Means: ‘It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.’
‘WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?’
Means: ‘What did you catch me at?’
‘I HEARD YOU!’
Means: ‘I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.’
‘YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.’
Means: ‘I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realise it could be worse.’
‘YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.’
Means: ‘Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.’
‘I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.’
Means: ‘No one will ever see us alive again.’
‘WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.’
Means: ‘I make the messes, she cleans them up.’