A Page Of Rude Jokes
Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.
One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go
faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off
his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes
pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is
that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified
to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
- When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she rep
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lied, "Oh, I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?" - A mother took her three year old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice "Happy Birthday to you..."
- After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6 year
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old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week. "Oh, he's a very busy man," the father replied. "He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor...and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know."
The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't easy, either." - At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl comes up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." [Mom couldn't have been a Baptist!] - I had been teaching my three year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after me. One night she said she was ready to solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."
- Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
- Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft.
- Screwing
ebf
around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge. - Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead.
- Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms.
- Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there.
- Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver."
- Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
- Telling crewmembers in menacing Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead. Make it so."
- Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up.
You have to think a bit about it!
?IRISH?
MEDICAL DICTIONARY
ARTERY - The Study of paintings
BACTERIA - Back door of a Cafeteria
BARIUM - What Doctors do when Patients Die
BOWEL - A Letter like A.E.I.O.U
CAESAREAN SECTION - A Neighbourhood in Rome
CAT SCAN - Searching for Kitty
CAUTERISE - Made Eye Contact with Her
COMA - A Punctuation Mark
D & C - Where Washington is
DILATE - To Live Longer
ENEMA - Not a Friend
FESTER - Quicker
FIBULA - A Small Lie
GENITAL - Not a Jew
G I SERIES - A Soldier Ballgame
HANGNAIL - Coat Hook
IMPOTENT - Distinguished, Well Known
LABOUR PAIN - Getting Hurt at Work
MEDICAL STAFF - Doctor?s Cane
MORBID - A Higher Offer
NITRATES - Cheaper than Day Rates
NODE - Was Aware Of
OUTPATIENT - A Person Who Has Fainted
PAP SMEAR - A Fatherhood Test
PELVIS - A Cousin to Elvis
RECOVERY ROOM - Place to Do Upholstery
RECTUM - Dang Near Killed ?Em
SECRETION - Hiding Something
SEIZURE - Roman Emperor
TABLET - A Small Table
TERMINAL ILLNESS - Getting Sick at the Airport
TUMOR - More than One
URINE - Opposite of ?You?re Out?
VARICOSE - Nearby
VEIN - Conceited
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours."
Q Why did the condom fly across the room?
A It got pissed off!!!
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