I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought ‘he’s trying to pull a fast one’.
So I said to this train driver ‘I want to go to Paris’. He said ‘Eurostar?’
I said ‘I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin’.
So I said to the Gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’.
He said ‘How flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said ‘You remind me of a pepper-pot’, I said ‘I’ll take that as a condiment’.
Do you know I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags:
But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything:
trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Weggie Kray.
So I said ‘Do you want a game of Darts?’, he said ‘OK then’, I said ‘Nearest to bull starts’. He said ‘Baa’, I said ‘Moo’, he said ‘You’re closest’.
You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ‘Do you get my drift?’.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said ‘I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it’, he said ‘Those are pickled onions’.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ‘Your eyes sparkle like diamonds’. I said ‘Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck’.
But I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.
So this bloke says to me, ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought ‘That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness’.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’, he said ‘Not you again’.
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example, Goran, even he’s a witch.
So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said ‘Are you two an item?’
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought ‘That’s a turtle disaster’