HICPHONICS (The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about tocash in with the Feds by labeling Black slang, “Ebonics,” asa language, has decided to pursue some of that endlesstaxpayer money pipeline through Washington by designatingSouthern slang, or “Hickphonics,” as a language to be taughtin all Southern schools. A speaker of this would be a Hickophone. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: HEIDI – noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: “Heidi. Hire yew.” BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.” JAWJUH – noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital isLanner. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickuptruck.” BAMMER – noun. The state just west of Jawjuh. Capital isBerminhayum. Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’left $20,000,000 in improvements.” MUNTS – noun. A calendar division. Usage: “My brother fromJawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him inmunts.” THANK – verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: “Ahthank ah’ll have a bare.” BARE – noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops,and yeast. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.” IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”Usage: “Them N-C-Two-A boys sure are ignert!” RANCH – noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage: “Ithank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck mybrother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.” ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I surehope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.” FAR – noun. A conflagration. Usage: “If my brother fromJawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thingsgonna catch far.” BAHS – noun. A supervisor. Usage: “If youdon’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work,your bahs is gonna far you!” TAR – noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: “Gee, I hope thatbrother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in mypickup truck.” TIRE – noun. A tall monument. Usage: “Lord willin’ and thecreek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire inParis sometime.” RETARD – Verb. To stop working. Usage: “My grampaw retardat age 65.” TARRED – adverb. Exhausted. Usage: “I just flew in fromLanner, and boy my arms are tarred.” FAT – noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage inbattle or combat. Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’mgonna whup y’all.” RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: “WeSoutherners are willin’ to fat for are rats.” FARN – adjective. Not local. Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand awurd he sed … must be from some farn country.” DID – adjective. Not alive. Usage: “He’s did, Jim.” EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are inLA). Usage: “He cain’t breathe … give ‘im some ear!” BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stayaway from that bob war fence.” JEW HERE – Noun and verbcontraction. Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuhgot a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?” HAZE – a contraction. Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah …hazeignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit ‘n ‘is laf.” VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: “I ain’t neverseed New York City… view?” HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action. Usage: “Kin Iheavy dew me a favor? Go bah me that Dash Rip Rock tape” GUBMIT – Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: “Themgubmit boys shore are ignert.”

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