Calling Technical Support Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of ourtechnicians are currently busy helping people who are evenless competent than you, so please hold for the nextavailable technician. The waiting time is now estimated atbetween fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digitproduct identification number on to your telephone, followedby your product serial number, which can be found in a secretcompartment inside your computer where, for securitypurposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible toprevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 113/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from youroriginal equipment manufacturer. Do that NOW! Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommendthat you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on atsome point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROMdisks, computer manuals and original packing materials inorder to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikelyevent that he ever gets to your call. If you were an inconsiderate jerk — we mean forgetfulcustomer — and threw away your original packing materials,please call the company that sent you the computer and askthem to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles,fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that theyrecycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone whileyou wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) …It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbingwhile explaining your problem to the technician. Shoutingobscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnectedand blackballed from further communication with TechnicalSupport, not only from ours but that of every otherelectronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (weall talk you know)… Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In orderto enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful toknow more about you and your equipment. Have you calledTechnical Support before? If you have, please press thenumeral “one” on your telephone touch pad. If not, press the numeral “two.” If you are not sure, usingthe letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: “I amconfused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live.”Once you have finished, hang up your phone and makearrangements to sell your computer because by the time thetechnician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you willbe too senile to use it anyway. … Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, allof our technicians just went out for lunch. This means thatto the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you maynow add at least another two hours. Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking tothe technician about your problem and risking the possibilitythat you may be wasting his valuable time, please askyourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen isdark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help beforeutilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3.Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have Iconsulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice onthe floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geekcousin who I can’t stand but who can probably fix this thingfor me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the centralprocessing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can not honestly answer “yes” to all these questions,please get off the line immediately so that our overworkedtechnicians can help those truly desperate customers whosesuffering is so much greater than yours. You must be reallybe so bored that you have to call technical support just tohave someone to speak to about geek stuff. … Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not beaware that this week we are featuring a discount on a numberof popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such asthe best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to accesserotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If youwould like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout “Yes!Yes! Yes!” into the telephone now. This will not cause you tolose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it mayjump you ahead of several other callers. … Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has beenoverloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place inline. Please push “one” if you would like to be connectedagain to technical Support 1 Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronicsensors indicate that you are about to slump over and diefrom a massive frustration attack combined with severedehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so,please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back inits base and switch off your computer so as not to wear downits internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need ofTechnical Support and so we regretfully must remove you fromour list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serveyour needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs orbeneficiaries contact us should any further technicalproblems arise.
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