Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours.
— Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her.
— Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
— Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
— Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
— Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you rib.
— Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marrige. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. (That’s right: fourteen years of toil for a woman.)
— Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
— David (I Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative of course.)
— Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
— Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a …woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.”
— Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though.)
— David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law.)
— Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
— Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
— Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)