An exact replica of a letter a daughter wrote to her parents from college:

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been
remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in
not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you
read on, please sit down.

YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN, OKAY?

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture,
and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my
dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed
now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump, were witnessed
by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm. He was the one who
called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the
hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out
dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with
him and his three buddies. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute.

He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are
planning to be married. We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will
be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I
know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents! I know you will
welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me
when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has
some minor infection which prevents us from passing our
pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will
soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know
you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although
not well educated, he is ambitious.

Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often
expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact
that his skin color is different than ours. I am sure you will love him
as I do. His family background is good, too, for I am told that his father is
an important weapons dealer in the village in Africa from which he
came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that
there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull
fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant and I am not engaged.
I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life.

However, I got a ‘D’ in History and an ‘F’ in Science, and I
wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your Loving Daughter

Linda.

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