50 Ways to confuse, worry, or just scare the people in thecomputerlab
Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your faceand
scream’Oh my God! They’ve found me!’ and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stopand
looksuspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor onduty
thatyou can’t get the darn thing to work. After he/she’s turnedit
on,wait 5minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for
a goodhalf hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person nextto
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer todifferentscreen
than the one it’s set up with.
Write a program that plays the ‘Smurfs’ theme song and playit
at thehighest volume possible over & over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startledbysomethingon
the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap intotop-secretPentagon
files.Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turnit
Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why youhave
it,say’Just in case…’ mysteriously.
Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutesateverything
bad about your life. Then stop and continuetyping.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people asifthey’recrazy
Light candles around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking untilsomeoneagrees.Then,
pull a disk out of your fly and say, ‘Oops, I forgot.’
Every time you press Return and there is processing timerequired,pray’Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,’
and scream ‘YES!’ when itfinishes.
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you(It
helpsifyou know them, but this is also a great way to make newfriends).
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.Type
byhitting the keys with the straw.
If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing ‘TheLionSleepsTonight’
whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tapeit
toyourmonitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and thencomplainloudlythat
women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2′ disc drive,when
itdoesn’t work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudlywhere
thesmiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it’sall
done(twodays later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. Afterdoingthisfor
a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next toyou.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at theperson
nexttoyou. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you
neverprovoketheperson enough to let them blow up, as this releases
tension,and it isfar more effective to let them linger.
If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for splitends,
cutthemand deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Familyon
yourdesk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoesandplacethem
on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer anddrape themaround
the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aestheticbeauty ofcotton
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up yourpaper
likethis. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about thebad
Laugh hysterically, shout ‘You will all perish in flames!!!’andcontinueworking.
Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer issmoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is AFlat,
theBkey is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its noteloudly.Writean
entire paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying’Excuse
me,mindif I borrow this for a sec?’, unplugging the keyboard &taking
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say thatsometimes
theold ways are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over againuntilyousee
that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space barso yourfill
isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard.Hithis/herdelete
key several times, erasing an entire word. While youdo this,ask:’Does
*your* delete key work?’ Shake your head, and resumehitting thespace
bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’vedeleted aboutapage
of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim:’Well,whaddyaknow?
I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. Nowonder itwasn’t
deleting! Ha!’ Print out your document and leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the labmonitor
andcomplain that your computer ate your disk. (For specialeffects,
putsomeElmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that thecomputer
Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look reallypuzzled,burstout
laughing, and say ‘You did that?’ loudly. Keep laughing,grab yourstuff
and leave, howling as you go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while makingelaboratehand
gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse,thenleapback
and yell ‘COVEEEEERRRRRR!’ peek up from under the table,walkbackto
the computer and say. ‘Oh, good. It worked this time,’ andcalmlystart
to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talkto
themlikeyou’ve known them all your lives. Hangup before they get
achance tofigure out you’re a total stranger.
Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd soundeffects.Pretend
it’s the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain thatthe
Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered speciesofflowersin
your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laughhappily,exclaim
‘You’re such a marvel!!’, and kiss the screen. Repeatthisafterevery
sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug thekeyboard.Finally,hug
your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
Run into the computer lab, shout ‘Armageddon is here!!!!!’,thencalmlysit
down and begin to type.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say,’Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week’