1. Dickson’s Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
6. There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.
7. Life is sexually transmitted.
8. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
9. If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?
10. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
11. Our good friend Willie is dead, he will be seen no more, for what he thought was H20 Was H2SO4.
12. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
13. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
14. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
15. Jury — Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
16. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
19. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
20. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.